


NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-13
Updated: 2012-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-16 05:27:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/536012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes place after Jack returns to Earth at the start of Season two of Torchwood. It's an AU though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Surprise.

**Author's Note:**

> The sections without punctuation are supposed to be that way. It isn't an error. It's a stylistic device.

It's strange to be back in the 21st Century again. I've spent the last several days trying to discover what has gone on in Torchwood 3 while I've been away and Owen has been in charge. Owen keeps looking at me as if he'd like me to go away again and he sounds surly and sarcastic nearly every time he speaks. Tosh is very quiet and subdued. Gwen acts as if she's actually been in command, and, as for Ianto, he looks pale and seems to have lost weight. Things have evidently not gone smoothly during my absence. 

I'm glad to be back, despite everything. I'm worried about Ianto though. When he gave me my coffee this morning I noticed that he had a bruise on his forehead that was not visible yesterday. He wouldn't tell me how he got it. He just said he'd banged his head. I didn't believe him for a moment. I'm sure his general state is something to do with Owen. Indeed, everyone's state is to do with Owen. Today has been a quiet day and I've had a chance to get my paperwork up to date. Fantastic. I've had a great day. Why we need any paperwork at all has long been a mystery to me. However, we do, and very boring it is too.

Owen departs for home or wherever he goes, and to my surprise Ianto waits a moment and then follows him out. Gwen and Tosh leave together a few moments afterward. I go out later to a nearby bar and allow myself to be hit on by a very tall female with huge feet who turns out later to be a man in drag. I really should have known no woman would have feet that big, but I've been away a lot lately. I fuck him/her anyhow. It wasn't exactly the best night of my life. I was fairly desperate and came as soon as I entered him/her/it. 

The following morning I'm awakened early by Ianto arriving for work. I look at the time and it's only 6.30am. I know Ianto likes to be early but, I think, this is ridiculous. I get out of bed and go and piss and then take a shower. I dress real fast and just in time too, since I'm pulling on my pants as Ianto enters with coffee and a donut. He now has another bruise on his forehead near the first and it is obvious he has had a nosebleed since I last saw him.

"What's with the bruises, Ianto?" I ask, sitting on my bed to drink the coffee "or is it another secret?"

He sits down on the bed beside me. He looks pleased with himself about something. He is no longer so pale either. "I've been in a fight" he says, smiling happily at me " I won too."

"Was it anyone I know?" I ask, and as I speak I realize I already know who Ianto's been fighting.

"Owen" Ianto replies "you've no idea what he's been like lately. He's been unbearable. I've been working out. Hard. I think I've lost some weight but I'm stronger than I've ever been. I followed him home. He actually went home. I knocked on his door and when he opened it I pushed him inside and... well.. I beat him up. I suppose it wasn't quite a fair fight. I took him completely by surprise. It felt magnificent though."

"Is he O.K.?" I ask, although I don't care really.

"He will be. I knocked him out in the end. He'll have a hell of a headache today, and two black eyes, and a split lip."

I laugh. I can't help it. I find I'm hoping Owen will come to work. I want to see him. It's important I see him looking beat up. It'll be good for me. It'll be good for everyone, even Owen himself. Ianto laughs too, and I notice suddenly that he has very nice teeth. I've had a lot of fantasies about Ianto and I now find I'm thinking about his teeth. Biting me. Oh, fuck. I vowed ages ago that I wouldn't get sexually involved with anyone at work. It's difficult though. I feel a heat rising in my chest somewhere, which as usual floods straight down to my cock. I'm so glad I'm sitting down. With luck Ianto wont even notice the state I'm in. 

I hand my empty coffee cup to Ianto and, instead of getting up and going away with it, he puts it down on the floor. Then he does something amazing. He stands up and actually climbs on my knees. He's sitting facing me with his legs bent each side of mine. It looks like an incredibly uncomfortable position to sit in but it feels as hot as hell. He's facing me and he leans against me and wraps his arms about me and presses his mouth to mine. He's opening his mouth on mine and I feel the warmth of his lips and then his tongue touches mine as I start to kiss him in return, unable to stop myself. I put my arms around him and he sucks my lower lip and his tongue searches inside my mouth and I'm panting and getting breathless and my cock gets even harder and my pants are too tight and my legs are jumping up and down causing Ianto's body to press harder against mine.

Ianto leans away from me and grins. His lips are red and look swollen from kissing. His cheeks are flushed. I can feel his hard cock pressing against my stomach. "I think we need to lie down" he says as he climbs off me. He stands up and removes his jacket, his tie and his shirt. Then he leans toward me and pulls down my suspenders. He pulls my shirt out from my pants and rips it open. Buttons fly in all directions. He removes his shoes, socks, pants and underpants and stands naked, looking at me. His skin is flawless. His cock rises out of a cloud of light brown hair. He's cut too, which is a surprise. He bends down and waves a hand toward my feet. I raise them one after the other and let him remove my socks and shoes. Then I stand up and he undoes my pants. My cock is mighty pleased to be released from its prison. I'm not wearing any underwear and it was starting to rub rather painfully on the inside of my pants. I allow him to help me out of the ruins of my shirt. 

We stand for a moment just looking at each other. He has made all the moves so far. "Lie down" he says to me and I lie on my bed and he joins me and we hug each other so close we're almost in each others skins. He rolls over and he's on top of me and I'm flat on my back and he's pushing my legs up and open and I feel something wet drizzle on my hole and then his tongue oh his tongue and then more wet and then fingers and a thumb and he finds that spot and my body jerks and I'm moaning and gasping and then something bigger much bigger enters me and it's hot and hard and he moves and he moves and I'm moving with him and we've got rhythm and I feel it building and building and I grab my cock and he puts his hand over mine and as he moves our hands move in reciprocal motion and then I feel it I feel it and I'm shouting out and my whole body is convulsing and I feel him spurting inside me I feel it and I'm shooting up and over myself and again and again.

I shake as Ianto withdraws his cock. I don't want him to move and I hold him close to me so I can feel him breathing. I'm sticky and come is dribbling out of me and messing up the bed but I don't want to move. Ever. Then I have a thought. Fuck, I think, no condom. I'm always so careful, but Ianto took me by surprise. "Ianto" I say to him "we didn't use a condom." 

"It's alright" Ianto tells me "I'm clean and I trust you are too".

"It's not just that" I say. How can I explain. I'm from the 51st Century. Things were/are/going to be different then. I don't even know what tense to think in. I separate myself from him and get out of the bed. I have to clean myself out quickly. I hurry to the bathroom, followed by Ianto. He's worried.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks, hovering beside me and getting in my way "I'm sorry if I did...I...."

"No" I say "it isn't that". I really can't explain this to him. How can I tell him I'm afraid I'll be pregnant. He'd think I was crazy. In my time everyone has babies. It's not just womens' business. I really don't want to get pregnant again. Once was enough. Anyhow, how can I get pregnant in a world where only women have babies? I hope my swift cleaning will do the trick. It has to. I don't know what I'll do if I get pregnant again. It'll be a nightmare.


	2. Jack has a problem.

For the last six weeks Ianto and I have been really careful. We've always used a condom. We've cleaned up extensively before and after. Until this morning I've felt fine. No weird sensations. No throwing up. Nothing. Until this morning that is. I awoke in Ianto's bed with his morning stiffy pressing in my back and I felt nauseated. When I got out of bed I felt worse. I went to piss and threw up quite suddenly. All over the bathroom floor, which unfortunately has a rug on it. It was a blue rug. It isn't blue now. I returned to the bedroom feeling very miserable and sorry for myself. I'm never ill in the morning. Never. 

"Come back to bed, Jack" Ianto murmurs, blinking sleepily at me, "it's early".

"I just threw up" I inform him.

"I expect it was the spaghetti we had last night" he replies.

"Yeh" I mutter and get back in the bed. I can't tell him I think I'm pregnant. How can I? Maybe I'm not, anyhow. Maybe it was the spaghetti. It certainly LOOKED like spaghetti, as Ianto will see when he goes into the bathroom. I lie beside him feeling queasy and hoping I've just got food poisoning or something. Eventually Ianto gets up and I hear him groan as he enters the bathroom. I suppose I should have made some attempt to clean up but I didn't feel like it.

I force myself to get up. I eat cornflakes somehow. I wash up and dress and go to work. There ought to be a law about it, I find I'm thinking. No pregnant men should ever have to work. At anything. Then it dawns on my befuddled brain that I am certainly the only pregnant man in the entire world. If I am pregnant, that is. I retreat to my quarters where I can be miserable and sick unobserved by my team. I realize to my dismay that I have to see Owen about this. Owen knows that I'm not the same as other people. He's scanned me and examined me more than once and has never said anything to anyone. That's why I can't get rid of him no matter how much I sometimes want to. He knows it too. I drag myself up to the others and go to Owen.

"I need you to examine me" I say to him "now. I have a problem".

Owen gives me what he calls the once over. "I need a scan" I tell him. I hate this. I hate it. I lie down and everything is organized. I indicate where the problem lies. Owen laughs and says -what have you been up to then? I don't answer. He gets on with the job looking smug and very pleased with himself. It's maddening. It's early, I think, he wont be able to tell anyhow. Everything will be O.K. But it isn't of course. I knew it. I knew it when we didn't use a condom. Ianto actually seduced me and I let him. I ought to have known better.

Owen is looking at the Monitor. He sighs. Then he says in his irritating way "who's been a naughty boy?" and laughs again. He turns the Monitor so I can see it. I look and feel a tightening in my chest. I clench my fists. I want to shout and yell and hit something. There it is oh fuck there it is and I am fucked I am fucked up again and it's all my own fault for not insisting on a condom it's all my own fault and I'm depressed and I want to kill Owen and I want to lie down and cry. 

Owen watches me as I clean up. I am so depressed about all this. I'll have to tell Ianto and I've no idea how to do it. I'll have to explain a lot of things that I vowed never to explain. The less people know the better is my motto. I'll have to tell Tosh and Gwen something too. I don't know how I'll do it. I wish I could just go away until it's all over. Then there's the baby. What'll I do with it, assuming it survives. The last one didn't though. I can't go through this again. I can't. I have to talk to Ianto first. I have to.

I go to my quarters and almost immediately Ianto arrives with coffee. Last time I was pregnant I couldn't drink coffee for months. This time though it still tastes good. I take a deep breath and plunge madly into an explanation of my condition. "Ianto" I say "I need to talk to you seriously, so sit down, please." He sits and I rush headlong into the weird zone before I can think of excuses not to. "You remember when I was worried about us not using a condom, well, I was worried I might...er..get.. this problem...umn... you see ....I'm...I'm pregnant. I knew I would be because I was once before when I wasn't careful. Father always warned me and Dad did too and so you'd think I'd have more sense..but" he interrupts me then as I pause for a breath.

"Father?" Ianto asks " and Dad? Just how many parents have you got, Jack?"

"Only two biological ones " I answer " like you, I imagine."

"Why do you call them Father and Dad then?" he looks puzzled.

"They were both male". I realize suddenly that he's certain to find this odd. In my time it wasn't.

"Your parents were both male?" he is so hung up on this he doesn't seem to have registered the rest of what I said.

"Yes. It's not uncommon where I come from."

"I don't believe this!" he exclaims " you're trying to tell me your parents were both men and now I've made you pregnant?"

He's got it at last. "Yes" I say " ask Owen, he's just confirmed what I already suspected. Ask him, if you think I'm crazy or lying or something."

He sighs. "I don't have to ask him" he says "you aren't a lier. If you say you're pregnant then you are." He puts his arms around me and I lean against him. I ought to be the strong one in this relationship with all my experience, but I'm not, he is. "I'm sure I've heard you mention a Mother" he says all of a sudden "now you say you didn't have one."

"Dad left Father when I was five years old" I explain " he married a woman. I called her Mum. She wasn't biologically connected to me though."

"That must have been confusing."

"I didn't think so at the time. I had three people to fuss over me instead of two. I liked it."

He kisses me briefly on one cheek. "What happened when you were pregnant before?" he asks.

I knew that was coming. I don't want to talk about it. It was a long time ago but it's still hard to even think of. Sometimes I joke about it. But it hurts still. "I went through the whole nine months" I say, slowly " then...things went wrong...the baby was in a totally wrong position...they couldn't save us both. I went unconscious, so they asked Father to decide and he chose me. It was a boy."

"I'm so sorry" Ianto tells me and I know he is too.

"I'd never have done the things I've done" I say, thinking of all the people I've conned and lied to in the past {and here's Ianto saying I'm not a lier}, "if it hadn't been for that." It's true too. After that I wasn't the same person. I was more careless. I didn't feel the same way about anything. I didn't care about anyone for a long time, not even myself. I saw the baby afterward. He was perfect. Except he was dead. It nearly killed me too. I wanted to die. For a long time I wanted to die. Now, ironically, I can't die. It's like I'm being punished for all the times I wanted to end my life. Now I want to live and I have a reason to live and I'm afraid everything is going to go wrong again and this time I can't die, even if I want to.

"Don't worry" Ianto reassures me "Owen may be a complete shit but he is a good Doctor." He kisses me again and this time I kiss him back because the nausea has gone. The first time I was in this fix my partner left me when I got pregnant. I know Ianto will never do that. He is faithful and loyal. He turns so that we can hug each other while we kiss and to my amazement I start to get hard. My cock has definitely got a mind of its own. Ianto leans away from me and puts the palm of his hand over the growing bulge in my pants. "Let me fix this" he says, and he undoes my pants and eases my cock out and bends down and takes it in his mouth. It feels great and I try to stop myself from thrusting into his mouth without a lot of success. I put both my hands on his head and I'm gripping his head and thrusting and thrusting and I come really fast unable to stop and he swallows it all and his mouth is firm and wet and it's like magic it's so good. I want to do the same for him, but my mouth doesn't taste too good. He kissed me anyhow. I don't know how he could. I use my hands on him instead. It's dry to start with but he starts leaking and it's easier. He's nearly there so I grab up some bedsheet and hold it over him and he comes in the bedsheet. 

"Don't worry about anything" he says, as we clean ourselves up in the bathroom later "I'll look after you." I know he will too.


	3. Rejection.

Another day is dawning. I awake in Ianto's bed and he isn't here with me. We didn't have sex last night. I know Ianto wanted to but I couldn't. I just wasn't in the mood. I'm too worried about the future. I awake lying on my side and roll onto my back and I immediately feel nauseated. I have to get out of bed before I throw up in the bed. I reach the bathroom just in time to do it in the toilet. Ianto is in the shower. He hears me and comes straight out to make sure I'm O.K. I feel guilty then. He is an angel and I am nothing but trouble. I feel sorry for myself as I retreat back to bed. Ianto comes and sits on the bed.

"D'you want something to eat, Jack?" he asks "or do you feel too sick?"

"I'll eat later" I tell him "I would like some coffee though".

He hurries off to get my coffee and I lie there feeling rotten. When he comes back with the coffee I sit up and get out of bed. I have to make a bit of effort here, I think. I drink the coffee and go and throw up again. Then I piss and I throw up again. After that I take a shower. I don't throw up any more but I have a revolting queasy feeling all the time. It's hard to be cheerful and enthusiastic about life when you feel queasy. Ianto says I ought to stay home and relax, but I want to go to the Hub. I have to do something to take my mind of the condition I'm in. I look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I look unchanged. It's amazing. I'm a bit pale but apart from that I look fine. Despite all the churning in my insides and the flood of emotions in my brain I look just the same.

I try to behave normally at work but it's difficult. I don't feel normal. I don't even feel like me. I sit in my office and think, there's something growing inside of me. It's part of me and part of Ianto. I start to wonder who the baby will look like. This is not good. I don't want to get sentimental about it. That's what happened before. I grew to love him before he was even born. I don't want to do that again. It's too hard to bear when things go wrong. I put my hand down where he's growing. I'm sure it's a boy. Two males are likely to produce a boy. I have to concentrate on work to distract myself from all this. I try to act normally. I'm a good actor. After all, for years I was a con man. I acted different parts. This time I only have one part to act all the time. Me.

Time drags. The days seem endless and the nights even longer. Ianto has to put up with a great deal of shit from me and he does it completely selflessly. Then one day I wake up and I feel fine. Great even. I can hardly believe it. Ianto is still asleep and I decide to bring him breakfast in bed. It takes me ages and Ianto gets up before I'm ready and finds me frying eggs. He's not pleased.

"What the fuck d'you think you're doing, Jack?" he asks, sounding mad as hell.

I know he's just worried about me but I'm still upset. I burst into floods of tears instantly. I've been doing that a lot the last few days. "I'm making you breakfast" I sob " I wanted to surprise you and you're mad."

"Oh" he says, looking instantly sorry " are you O.K.? You're not sick?"

"I'm fine" I sniff.

"You haven't been sick?" He's back to being concerned again.

"No. I feel fine."

"Good. That's great. I'll leave you to...finish cooking. Be careful". He goes off to take a shower and I return to the eggs just in time to stop them burning. I make what Ianto calls a fry up. It's full of fat and terribly bad for your health. We sit and eat it all even though the eggs are a little well done and the sausages are plain burnt. It's delicious and I haven't enjoyed eating anything so much for ages and ages. After breakfast I have my own shower and then I discover I can't do up my pants. I keep trying anyhow. I hold my breath and they still wont do up. In the end I give up and start to cry again. I know I'm being an idiot but I can't stop myself. Ianto comes to see what the problem is.

"They wont do up" I whine, still trying to do them up even though it's obvious they wont.

"Let me see" he says. 

I stand before him and he looks me up and down. Then he grins. "Have you taken a good look at yourself lately?" he asks "go on, go and take a look." So I do. I look at my reflection. Then I turn sideways and look again and there it is, oh my, there it is. Proof of my condition. I'll have to tell Gwen and Tosh. I don't know how I'll do it. They know something is wrong with me but I'm sure they haven't guessed what it is. Ianto comes over to me and puts the palms of both his hands over the bump. He looks at me and then he kisses me, keeping his hands resting down there, unmoving.

"This is the most miraculous thing" he says, quietly "it's so fantastic I can hardly believe it. I'm going to be a Dad. I love it. I really do. I love you and I already love our child. I always have from the beginning."

I can't hear this. I can't bear it. Ianto loves me and the bump. Something is going to go wrong again and this time I'm not going to be alone in my misery. Ianto will be there too so it'll be twice as bad. I wish I could just lie down and go to sleep and never wake up again. I can't make Ianto go through what I've been through. I care about him too much. This is unbearable. I move away from him and try to explain the situation.

"You can't..." I mumble " get attached to it. You can't. We can't. If we do...when he...it dies...we...it'll be too difficult to...Ianto please don't love him..it."

I have to get away from Ianto. It's for his own good. We're getting too close. We've gotten too close. I have to finish this before things get out of hand. I feel terrible. I had no idea Ianto felt like this. I was obviously too wrapt up in my own feelings to notice his. I should have seen this coming but I didn't. It has to end now. I face Ianto and try to be firm.

"I don't want us to.." I try to find the right words but it's difficult " see each other like this any longer" I manage to say " we have to go back to a working relationship immediately. I don't want to come to your place any more. This is the last time. It's been nice but it's over." There, I've done it, he looks shattered but he'll get over it and when everything turns to shit he'll be able to stand it. His silence is worrying. I expected him to protest at least but he doesn't say anything at all. Nothing at all. I put on my jacket and coat. My suspenders stop my pants from falling down luckily. When I leave to go to the Hub Ianto doesn't attempt to come with me. He watches me leave and his face is expressionless. I'm only feet from the front door when I hear a loud bang. A gun going off. I know that sound. I hear it in my dreams from long ago. I turn and run back to the door. It's slightly open still. I go in. 

Oh I am in hell. I am in hell. He's lying there. By the front door. There is a lot of blood. How can one head have so much blood in it? He's shot himself. He didn't even wait for me to get away. I kneel by his body and shed bitter tears.


	4. Miracle

Ianto is in the morgue and I have told Gwen and Tosh everything. They are both so angry with me that I'm sure if it wasn't for Owen's intervention they'd have killed me on the spot. Owen came to my rescue. Owen. Now I sit by Ianto's body. Owen has worked a miracle on him and he looks perfect except for the small neat hole in the middle of his forehead. I sit by him and hold his hand. I don't know what else to do. I've already tried kissing him and trying to give him some of my life force but it didn't work. He looks pale and peaceful and if our child is born it'll have just have one parent. One parent. One fucking useless shit of a parent. Me.

Ianto has been the mainstay of my life. Now he's gone and I'm left with nothing. Except, I think suddenly, he isn't gone really. Inside of me there is a little bit of him still left. For the first time I think that perhaps the baby will live. After all I was born alive. Obviously. I'm determined now. This child will be born alive even if I have to learn how to die to do it. I bend over Ianto's body and my tears fall like raindrops on his face. I never told him I loved him. I was afraid. I'm always afraid. I'm afraid of so many things and I keep everything bottled up inside. No-one knows me. I'm a mystery even to myself. I'm like an iceberg. Most of me is under the surface, unseen, unknown.

I press my lips to his and his mouth is cold and I wish I was lying there with him. But I can never go where he has gone. I shall always be here. Alone, and from now onwards unloved. I don't deserve love. I say it out loud and kiss Ianto harder, trying to push life into his dead lips. Nothing works. I give up. I stand up and I think, I'll have to shut him in that cold dark place where no light ever shines. My tears fall unchecked. I slowly shut him away. My heart is broken. I am a dead man walking. The world is dark. I stand and bow my head and say a quick prayer to a God I don't believe in. If you're there somewhere, bring him back, bring him back because it's all my fault. I turn to leave and then I think, I'll take one more look, just one more. I open the drawer. I put my hand on his cold cheek. He is already colder than a moment ago. He is dead and I can't die, what irony is that. It's like a cosmic joke. 

I start to close him in saying goodbye in my head over and over and then, just as the drawer is almost shut, I hear it, a shuddered breath. I pull Ianto out into the light and gaze at his face and he's breathing and his eyes are open and I see color flooding his skin and he looks straight at me and he sits up and he's alive again alive again alive again as if he had never been dead as if the past ten hours didn't happen as if I haven't sat here holding him and crying for him and longing for him and loving him too late the way everything with me is always too late except it isn't and he's alive again.

"Jack?" he says. His voice is rough and he licks his dry lips. I watch his tongue. "I ..." he stutters " I ...didn't I shoot...?" 

"I couldn't let you go" I say, because it's the simple truth.

"You left me" he says.

"I was afraid".

"What of? I told you I'd always stay with you and look after you no matter what. I told you I loved you. Why were you afraid?"

"I always am" I say and as soon as the words are out into the air I realize that something fundamental has changed. I'm no longer afraid. It's just gone. That feeling. I know it has gone. "I always was" I say " but.. now I'm not. I don't know what's changed in me but I'm not afraid any longer."

He comes to me, this man whose life I nearly ended, and he puts his arms around me and holds me, and I know it's him. He has changed me. "I love you" I say to him " I always have since the moment we met. I never said because it gives power to someone when they know you love them. But I don't care now. I give you the power over me, Ianto. I love you and I give you the power." The future lies both behind me and ahead but now I have someone to live it with me. He's the strength in my life and I lean on him. He puts his arms around me, this man who was dead and is now alive again. HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND ME.

"I don't deserve this" I say, my voice muffled as I press my face into his shoulder.

"I forgive you" he says "I'll always forgive you. Didn't you know that?"

I didn't. I don't know so many things. I know so much but I don't know how to be human. I only thought of myself. Me, me, me. How things affected me. I didn't think of his feelings. Not once. I really don't deserve him, but he's here anyhow. It's a miracle. A true miracle. He leans away from me. He looks slightly different. I don't know what it is. He is the same, but different. I don't know what the difference is and I can't put it into words.

"Do you feel it, Jack" he says " I feel it."

"Yes " I say "you've changed."

"I'm like you now" he says "I don't know how I know, but I feel it."

I feel it too. It's in the air. It's all around us. There has really been a miracle. A true one. Ianto is immortal. He will live forever because of me. We can be together to the end of time. We are truly one. I am no longer alone. I look into his eyes and it's like I'm looking into the very essence of his being. He smiles and I smile back. I suddenly feel a strange fluttering sensation down below. It's the baby. He's moving. It's just a slight feeling but it's there. He is alive and he's moving and I feel him. Another miracle.

"I can feel the baby" I say to Ianto. I'm still wearing the too tight pants that wont fasten. He puts his hands on the bump."You wont feel it yet" I say "it's too early".

"Everything'll be fine" he says, calmly "I know it. Do you believe me, Jack?"

"Yes" I answer, and I do believe him. I do. Everything will be fine. I know it. Then our peace is over because the door flies open and Owen, Gwen and Tosh come running in and literally throw themselves at Ianto. They are so happy they hug him and kiss him and I stand back and they ignore me completely. I don't mind. Even Owen looks pleased to see Ianto which is a miracle on its own. Finally, they want to know what happened and Ianto surprises them all and me too.

"I came back for Jack" he says "because Jack asked me to."

Because Jack asked me to. So simple. I came back because Jack asked me to. There is a heaven after all and it's here in this room. Because Jack asked me to.


	5. Pickled eggs

I'm having a lovely dream. Ianto is sucking my cock. I'm not pregnant. There's no bump. Ianto is sucking and I'm thrusting deep in his throat and it's fantastic. I feel my balls contracting and then I'm coming hard into him and he's swallowing and swallowing and I keep coming for ages, much longer than I possibly could in reality. Then I wake up with a jerk and I'm actually coming and I'm lying on my back and the comforter is over me and I'm coming into the bedlinen. Ianto isn't even in the bed with me. I sit up and immediately Junior kicks me ferociously. I think he's going to be born wearing very heavy boots or have the largest feet of any new born known to man.

I get out of bed and go and piss. Then I decide to take a shower. Junior doesn't like me to shower and every time I do he kicks the whole time. I shower as fast as I can and at last get some peace while I put on my clothing, which is so large that I look like a beached whale in it. I look at myself in the mirror. I am huge. Larger than I was when I had the first baby, much larger. I am still staring at myself when Ianto comes up behind me and puts his arms around me. I am so huge that he can hardly reach around me.

"Morning, gorgeous" he says, kissing the back of my neck.

Being pregnant makes a man totally unromantic, so I say in reply "I came in the bed again."

"Oh," he says calmly "dreaming something nice were you?"

"You were deep throating me" I reply, turning slowly in his arms so I can see his face. This, of course, means Junior is now preventing us from being close, but it feels great all the same.

"Was I? D'you want me to?"

"Not right now, I want a pickled egg."

"This child is going to be born pickled if you're not careful."

"And wearing huge boots, " I add, and Ianto puts his hands on Junior and Junior obligingly kicks him hard. I have developed a craving for pickled eggs. The first time I tasted one was in 1941. I loathed it. However, I suddenly had this overwhelming longing for pickled eggs. I hadn't even seen one for years but I knew right away that's what I wanted. Ianto found a jar in an ancient, rather unsavory looking Fish and Chip shop. He bargained for it and brought it home and I've been eating them ever since. They are so delicious. Just the thought of eating them makes me salivate. Ianto has to go all over the place searching for them. One evening he couldn't get any. I was so upset I actually cried. Owen says it's hormones.

Ianto and I have breakfast. Ianto has cornflakes and then eggs and bacon. I have four pickled eggs. Ianto has coffee, but I can't drink coffee anymore as it now tastes disgusting so I have a glass of milk. That alone would have made me throw up before I was pregnant. The pickled eggs make me constipated, at least that's what I think it is. Yesterday I spent 1 hour sitting on the toilet and still couldn't produce anything, so I ate a whole bag of plumbs that Ianto had bought the day before. The plumbs gave me the runs. Such is life. 

After breakfast Ianto goes off to the Hub and I have a lie down. Eating pickled eggs is very tiring. After my rest I drink more milk and eat two more eggs. I look at the jar. Oh, fuck, there's only one egg left. I have to contact Ianto so he can get some more. I can't be without them. I just can't. Unfortunately I get Tosh. The others have gone out. Evidently they're Weevil hunting or something. Ianto isn't answering his cell. I start to panic. I don't know what's bothering me more. Having no eggs or not being able to talk to Ianto. I decide to go out and get my own eggs. I put on my coat which is suitably whale sized and venture out into the street in search of eggs.

I go to the place where Ianto first found the eggs and heaven be praised there is a brand new full jar on the counter. "How much for the eggs?" I ask the guy standing behind the counter.

"What?" he says , his mouth hanging open vacantly. I notice he has yellow teeth. I try to ignore them.

"I want to buy that jar of eggs" I explain.

"You're not the one who usually buys them" he says "he's much thinner than you. I only sell them to him, if I sell them at all.'

"He's my..." I pause here, what exactly is Ianto? Boyfriend, partner, lover and more "we live together" I finally say "he doesn't eat the eggs, he gets them for me."

"I get them from a little place round in.......Street," he sighs. I don't catch the name of the street. 

"Can I have those then?" I ask, trying to stay calm in the face of all this adversity.

"No" he answers " that's my last jar".

"I have to have them" I know I'm starting to sound desperate but I can't help it. I am causing a queue to form now. Some of them are getting ugly. "Let me buy some loose ones then" I manage to say at last.

"How many do you want?" he asks, removing the lid of the jar. The beautiful smell of pickled eggs fills the air. 

"Ten" I say, thinking, that should just about last until I can get in touch with Ianto.

He groans loudly, but to my immense pleasure he gets a large spoon and fishes out ten eggs and puts them one after the other in a second, but empty jar. I rush away as fast as I can with my purchase. I get home and sit down right away in my coat and open the jar of eggs. I fish in the jar and bring out an egg and eat it right away. I am in heaven. Oh, ecstasy. I am just about to eat another one when Ianto comes in the apartment/. He rushes up to me. He looks worried. 

"Are you alright?" he asks.

"Of course I am" I answer, taking a large bite out of the second egg.

"Tosh told me you wanted me. I was worried sick."

"I'm fine" I mumble through a mouthful of egg.

Ianto gives a huge sigh of relief. "You're eating too many of those damn things" he says, glaring at the new jar of eggs.

"Lovely" I mutter, wondering whether to eat another egg or not. Ianto senses that I'm not really listening to him.

"Jack" he says sharply "maybe you'd better come back to the Hub with me."

"Why?" I ask. I've become increasingly aware over the last several weeks that my thought processes have become somewhat scrambled. I gaze at Ianto blankly and the only thought in my head is, shall I eat another egg?

"So I can keep an eye on you" he explains.

"O.K." I agree. I think it will be great to be back at work. Even if I'm not actually doing any work. I decide not to eat another egg until I get to the Hub. I stand up, hugging the jar to my chest, which has been feeling odd lately, especially round my nipples, which have actually gotten larger. I start to wonder whether I'll grow breasts. I'm suddenly aware that Ianto has been speaking to me and I haven't heard a word he has said. 

"Sorry" I tell him "I wasn't listening".

"Alright" he says, "let's go then.'

At the Hub I just sit down and watch everyone else work. Junior has been resting for a while but he soon wakens up and starts to jump about and kick. I open my pants and I can feel him moving about. I wonder who he'll look like. I really hope he'll look like Ianto because I love the way Ianto looks but I really just want him to be healthy. I'm daydreaming when Gwen comes over and sits beside me.

"How are you, Jack?" she asks "you look well."

"Huge" I reply " I look huge." She laughs and I smile and wonder whether to eat an egg. Before I can start on one though Owen comes up and says he wants to check me over. After I've been subjected to all the usual indignities that Owen inflicts on me when he says he wants to check me over, I notice he is looking worried. This is not like Owen at all. 

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

"It's nothing" he replies. 

"Is Junior O.K.?" I'm worried now.

"He's fine."

"What is it then? I have to know, after all it's my body."

"The baby..." he starts and then stops abruptly.

"What? What?" I'm getting real upset now.

"I think you're going to have him sooner than you thought, that's all" he says at last.

"He'll be premature?" I gasp.

"Yes, but three weeks is nothing. I don't think there'll be any problems. Don't worry."

I am worried though. I can't help it. I don't want to loose this baby. I can't stand the thought of loosing this baby. Ianto's baby. Owen says things will be O.K. but I know he's a lier. I go downstairs and try to take a nap. I can't sleep and I suddenly get a pain which goes away and then comes back. I know what that means. It's all Owen's fault, I think, he's frightened me and now I've started labor. Oh, hell. I have another pain and at that moment Ianto comes down to me with a glass of milk. He sees right away that I'm in pain.

"What is it?" he asks "is it Junior?" I nod. "You'd better come upstairs then" he continues. 

Well. So Junior has gotten fed up with his prison and wants to be out in the world. I go with Ianto. I hope Owen knows what to do. He's never delivered a baby from a male before. I hope it wasn't all those pickled eggs, I think, as Owen comes toward me looking serious. I really hope it wasn't the eggs.

"Well" Owen says brightly "I'd better get ready to bring this baby into the world. I'll just give you a quick jab and when you wake up...or maybe just a local might be better."

I interrupt him quickly. "I want to give birth naturally".

"Jack, in case you haven't noticed lately, you're a man".

"I can do it" I tell him "I did before."

"How" he's getting irritated now "did he pop out of your ass or something?"

"Yes" I reply, and groan as another pain hits me.

Owen tells me to roll on my side so he can take a look at the area in question. Then he straightens up and looks at me and says loudly "OH MY GOD, OH FUCK."

"Yeh" I answer brightly "that's what did it all right." I smile sweetly at Owen and Ianto sits down beside me and holds my hand. I am suddenly filled with confidence and optimism. Everything is fine and it's going to be fine. I know what to do even if Owen doesn't. My insides are nothing really like his and Ianto's. I can do it. I can.


	6. Morgan

I can't even begin to explain to Owen how this is going to work. I don't understand it completely myself. He's the Doctor. He's examined me. He's scanned me. He knows what's connected to what. All the same, he isn't exactly filling me with confidence here. No he isn't. Ianto holds my hand and I'm quite calm. Finally Owen makes a decision and gives me an enema. He's very very careful for which I'm grateful as I'm scared he'll hurt the baby. 

Only a half hour later I find I'm literally lying in a huge puddle of water and there are somewhat panicky attempts to clean everything up. I'm quite calm about all this. I do have a womb after all. Did they think it was dry inside? Despite all the scans I don't think Owen believes I have a womb. For months he's been saying that men never have them and I've kept saying that they do, after all, I was born far in the future. I can't explain even to Ianto just how different things are/will be then. This could go on for hours and hours but I have a feeling it wont. My baby is in a hurry to be born and everything is going much faster than before. I am worried it's going too fast and there'll be some complication. I thought things were alright before when they weren't. I keep thinking to myself, it's going to be O.K., it's going to be O.K.

Owen keeps looking at my butt and telling Ianto how dilated I am. This is information I could easily do without. I can tell how things are progressing by the frequency and intensity of my pains. Ianto keeps telling me things are going to be fine, but he's gripping my hand very tightly and he looks pale. My body isn't like his. I could never go to a Doctor out of my own time because of this. In my time both males and females get pregnant but it's more common in women still. Time moves incredibly slowly and I feel like every minute is an hour long. Ianto chats to me but I hardly hear anything he says. I keep agreeing with him anyhow.

The pains come closer and closer together and Owen tells me to push. I don't think he has a clue. I remember from before and I know just when to push and when not to. I end up with my face pressed in the pillow and my butt in the air, with Owen staring intently at it. The pain increases and I'm crying out for Ianto and he holds one of my hands tightly and I manage to turn my head so I can look at him and the pain is worse than I remember from before much worse and I'm sweating and cursing everyone and everything and then Owen shouts don't push don't and I pant hard and pant and breathe in gasps and then I feel him slide out and he doesn't cry and I try to see what's happening but I can't and Ianto says it's O.K. and then I hear a loud baby cry and I cry with him. He is alive and crying lustily. 

I want to hold him but I can't in this position. I keep looking at Ianto and Owen hands the baby to him and I see him and he's beautiful and perfect and he looks to me just like Ianto. "He's like you" I say to Ianto and he smiles and says "no, he's like you." I want to hold him but I have to wait for the afterbirth. I don't have to wait too long and then Owen is examining me. He gives me something for the pain and a thorough clean up. While this is going on I can hear the baby crying most of the time. I start to worry about all this crying. 

"Good grief" Owen says at last "you've been phenomenally lucky. Not a single tear. God knows how you did it!"

I could go into realms of explanation about hormones and tissue types but I'm so glad everything is alright that I don't say anything at all. I just want the baby. My baby. Ianto's baby. Our son. I want to hold him and feel his heart beating and then I'll know. I'll know for certain everything is fine. Ianto is holding him close. His eyes are full of tears and the baby is still crying loudly. He has great lungs, I think, that's a good sign. He's not very big considering how huge I was, but he's big enough. Owen says he weighs 2.75 kg or just over 6lb.

At last, after I've finally been cleaned up I'm able to hold the baby. He's wrapped in a soft white towel and at last has stopped crying. Ianto sits on the side of the bed and we uncover him and look him over. He is absolutely perfect in every way. I love him madly already and I know I would kill for him if necessary too. We haven't a name for him. I don't want him to go through life being called Junior. We have had a few discussions about names and I know Ianto wants to call him Jack, but I think one Jack is more than enough. I want to call him something Welsh. After all, his Father is Welsh and he's been conceived and born in Wales. 

Owen comes back into the room carrying a tray. I can hardly believe it. Owen has made coffee. I wonder if I can drink it. I find I can. Great. He looks at Ianto and I and the baby.

"What are you going to call him?" he asks.

A name pops into my head right then and there and I say "we're going to call him Morgan." I look at Ianto and he's beaming a huge smile of pleasure. Morgan is his Father's name of course. 

Ianto adds "Morgan Jack Ianto". It's a bit of a mouthful but it makes me very happy anyhow. I suddenly think about Morgan's feet. I look at them and they're perfectly in proportion with the rest of him. I think, perhaps he'll grow up to be a soccer player. I look at him and I'm amazed. He's alive and wonderful and I am at the moment ecstatically happy. Morgan has big blue eyes. I hope they'll grow to look like Ianto's. I'm tired all of a sudden and I can feel my eyes shutting. I'll just rest for a little bit, I think. Ianto is holding Morgan and talking to him in Welsh. I'll have to learn Welsh, I think, and then I don't know any more. I sleep. 

I dream about Ianto and Morgan. Morgan is a toddler and looks just like Ianto. The three of us are lazing on some beautiful sandy beach and I can see a calm blue sea in the distance. It's all so peaceful and wonderful that when I wake up I'm quite disappointed to find it's not real. I sit up in bed. I'm a bit achy but I get out of bed and go and piss. When I come back Ianto is sitting on the bed. He isn't holding Morgan and I'm immediately full of fear.

"Where is he?" I ask. 

"Just outside in his cot. Sleeping" says Ianto "he's great. I fed him and changed him. He's prefect."

I flop onto the bed with a sigh of relief. 

"When you're up we'll take him home" Ianto informs me.

"Home?" I say.

"Yes" Ianto replies "our apartment."

It's his apartment of course but suddenly it isn't just his. It's ours. Our home. It's been a very long time since I had a home. So long, in fact, that I can hardly remember having one. Now I have a home with Ianto and Morgan. Ianto brings Morgan to me. I hold him in my arms. He is warm and sleepy and smells delicious. I kiss his small cheeks and he closes his eyes and makes a little murmuring sound. Our home, I think, sounds nice. I could do with a home. Ianto leans over and kisses me. I'm happy. Life is sweet. 

 

THE END


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